Picture Impact

I was going through more pictures last night in an effort to get rid of those that are blurry or of landscapes long lost to memory. In the process, I came across several rolls of film I had taken of Jessi when she was about 5-6YO. For some reason those pictures hit me like a ton of bricks. Uncontrollably I got very emotional and was suddenly very happy I was alone. I am not an emotional person by habit so this emotional outburst came as quite a shock. Then I found myself wondering "why". The simple reason of course was that I missed Jessi when she was at that age. Before the "dark years" when all seemed lost. She was so young and innocent, looking at the world with fresh eyes and wonderment. Everything to her was new and exciting and she never was very good at hiding her emotions so it was always fun to watch her and her discoveries. Or could it be that I missed those days because I missed those days in many ways. I was gone from home a lot, either working or working out at the gym. That seemed so important to me then and now I would rather have the time back being with and watching the kids grow up. I was never one for a lot of hugging, kissing and touching and yet I find myself wishing I had done just that. Too late, can't go back. If I had been more touchy feely, would it have made a difference in her life? In mine? Same goes for CJ and Austin. I would give a lot to go back and spend time just snuggling and being close with CJ. I know she craved that at the time and yet I was an emotional blackboard that had been thoroughly cleaned. Or perhaps the emotions evoked from looking at those pictures was due to the woe of knowing that I was getting older and that life in many ways had escaped me. You can never go back and it does not do any real good to look back, but I do. Alas, I must continue the push forward in the yoke of life. Or is there yet still time to shrug off the yoke and savor the time left to me and to perhaps make up for lost time?